Bowled: This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. The batsman needs to duck in this situation to avoid being out, so that he becomes out anyway.
LBW: Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsmen who uses one of his three legs (two long and one short leg): the left, the right or the middle or all three of them as one to stop the ball instead of using his bat. In this kind of a dismissal he has a 66.7% chance of being castrated by the incoming ball.
Stumped: This rule was first used in 1994 when Shane Warne bowled a Mars Bar to Mike Gatting, short of a length. As Gatting stepped out of his crease to pick up the Mars Bar he was stumped by the Wicket Keeper. Being "stumped" also occurs when no-one can remember what the score is, or indeed why they are standing around in the middle of a field doing nothing and just scratching their asses.
Caught: The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, which is declared "not cricket". He must then leave the field in embarrassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces. The rules in cricket are so strict that Ian Botham, legendary all-rounder, was caught on camera picking a bogey and swallowing it whole. He had to walk.
Timed out: Unreliable wireless Internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.
Handled the ball: The bowler can attempt to influence play by means of strategic rubbing of the surface of one side of the ball against his/her genitals and/or licking or scratching his ball(s). This necessitates a re-structuring of the fielders' positions, as no-one wants to catch the ball. This rule is applicable only in very rare cases in a game of women's cricket and the umpire may ask to inspect the ball (this is called "ball sniffing"). 'Handling the ball' is also not allowed by other members of the team, as it is the job a cricketer's wife.
Obstruction: This occurs when a batsman attempts to interfere with a fielder. This usually involves placing an object such as a tank-trap, barbed-wire fence, brick wall or other obstruction in the way of the fielder. The batter may also attempt to trip a fielder, or hit him with the bat or other implement, or he may attempt to conceal the ball. Sir Francis Drake famously concealed the ball by sitting on it, in a 'friendly' match with the Spanish in 1588, allowing his fellow batsman to run 953 before being Run out with a stump through the heart.
Hit wicket: When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk (or waddle or crawl). A hit wicket is also declared if part of a batsman, such as his head, or part of his clothing, such as his jockstrap, should fall on the wicket and dislodge a bail or the wicket-keeper.
Hit the ball twice: The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.
Retired out: Sometimes during a long test match, especially when batsman is getting a high score and it takes long time, batsman thinks I have enough of this! Damn it!. Then he says to the umpire that he does not want to play any more cricket and he decided to retire. Player will get a nice pension based on his club's salary, so he gets retired out.
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