Fielding Positions

While playing Cricket, 97% of the time is spent not actually playing Cricket. Thus, officials have developed a series of "fielding positions" in order to trick players into spending their weekend standing in the middle of a large grassy area; these positions are set out in the Wisden Almanack. Most fielders tend to run forward several feet every time the ball is bowled, and clapping is also common. Although seemingly pointless, these actions are believed to prevent deep vein thrombosis, which is a common complaint among cricketers, particularly those fielding at fine leg.
The batsman The person with bat who is standing facing the umpire is usually known as the batsman. Even women who bat are called batsmen rather than batswomen. The batsman uses the bat for digging the pitch, pasting chewing gums, scattering jellybeans, fixing the stumps, hitting people, as a measuring ruler, for scratching his back, as a support for standing, and occasionally to hit the ball. The batsman is frequently disliked, yet his arrival and departure from the field is always celebrated.
The runner This is the batsman to whom the bowler doesn't bowl. He should be close to the umpire, usually a first cousin or nephew.
Wicket Keeper This is a very important position, especially during Test Matches which may last 5 days, occasionally with a result. At the end of each day, "Stumps" is declared by the umpires. The wicket is then given to the wicket keeper to guard. At dawn the next day the wicket keeper must approach the pavilion from where the umpires will shout, "Halt, Who goes There?" to which the wicket keeper replies, "The Keeper of the Wicket!" The response by the umpires is then, "Whose Wicket?" The keeper replies, "The Queen's Wicket, Gentlemen!" At this point the umpires allow the wicket keeper to place three stumps topped by two "bails" on to each end of the pitch, and play retires for lunch.
Umpire There are numerous umpires. The two on-field umpires are officially hired fat old men, one of whom stands behind the bowler's wicket (the wicked umpire) and one who hides in the field: this is the umpire of the square-leg which may be wooden, the umpire usually being a pirate. A new "third umpire" or "television camera" has recently been introduced to the game: this provides an opportunity for the other 2 billion "at-home" umpires to adjudicate. The on-field umpires must carry Murray Mints, handkerchiefs, caps, pull-overs, etc for the bowler and sometimes for the batsman. In cases where the bowlers are too demanding or if the batsman doesn't trust an umpire's honesty, the pirate umpire is called in to settle the dispute with his cutlass. The T.V. umpire may also asked to stop showing 'Coronation Street' and give a decision.
Slips Fielding players may be dressed in negligees and asked to stand close behind the batsman, their objective being to distract the batsman so that he gets out.
Fine leg This is any fielding position where the fielder wears shorts instead of pajamas to show off his freshly-waxed legs.
Gully Streets in Indian slums are called "gullies", and many children learn to play cricket there. The "gully" thus reminds the fielder of his boyhood and how much richer and corrupt he has become since then. In Australia, a gully is a ravine leading to a "creek" and is usually the place where children retire to learn to smoke cigarettes and play with their balls. Thus the "gully" in this case is "up the creek" (invariably without a paddle). No-one likes being in the gully.
Leg slip A fielding position name reserved for the area of the outfield with the most amount of dew, giving rise to the old adage, "There's many a slip twixt leg and ball." Recent research shows Leg slips may be a direct consequence of a Fine Leg in the crowd.
Short leg This is not the disadvantage one would think. David Boon from Tasmania and Sachin Tendulkar from India had two of them and still performed remarkably well. Pirates also qualify for short-leg positions on field.
Silly point A fielder at "silly point" is generally no more than 3 yards from the batsman and will attempt to get the batsman in fits of laughter, so much so that he is unable to breathe. This behaviour is traditionally avenged by the batsman driving a ball down the fielder's throat, with a cry of "Howzzat?"
Square leg "Square legs" are often also required to wear an eye patch and declare "Shiver me timbers!" whenever a ball goes for four. The burial of gold and other precious treasures is against the rules and can result in a mutiny.